@Skoogeth

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

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@theshantilly

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

@T_Bonezzz_

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

@Vodkantots

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.

@crylenol

*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say

@Marlebean

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

@smithsara79

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

@redrose0117

Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.

@Playing_Dad

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

@WheelTod

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

@unclesshane

in every relationship one persons a chef and one person has IBS