7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.
*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
in every relationship one persons a chef and one person has IBS