If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager