@DirtMcTurd

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

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@dshack8

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

@thevaginadiary

Therapist: How do you deal with the negative people?

Me: Put their name on my kill list.

Therapist: Please don’t do that.

Me: I’ll try to stop.

*Writes Therapists name on kill list*

@dave_cactus

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

@jnapsalot

Came home to my husband watching ID Channel, dinner cooked and an empty sink.

I have never feared for my life and been simultaneously turned on than I am in this moment.

@FrazzleMyGimp

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

@ChillGates69

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

@BevisSimpson

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

@amyistrouble

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

@Death_Buddy

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.