@prufrockluvsong Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
@DirtMcTurd If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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@prufrockluvsong 
@smhluckyme Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?
Romeo: God woman, can I just take a shit in peace?
@TheNardvark Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
@SteelFontana When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”
@PondHockeyPro Why don’t search parties use joggers, they’re always finding dead bodies.
@NurseMurderer The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
@avainwordland It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
@DaddyJew HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA THINK YOUR FRIEND IS REALLY CUTE
@TheTalkingPipe My way or the highway. It takes two to tango. What I’m saying is, “welcome to idiom club”. Now, let’s cut to the chase.
@CooIStepDad [Riot]
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
*far in the back*
PIZZA ROLLS
“No Jim we want freedom”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”PIZZA ROLLS
“JIM”
But I’m hungry 🙁