@DirtMcTurd

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

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@prufrockluvsong

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

@smhluckyme

Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?

Romeo: God woman, can I just take a shit in peace?

@TheNardvark

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

@SteelFontana

When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”

@PondHockeyPro

Why don’t search parties use joggers, they’re always finding dead bodies.

@avainwordland

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

@DaddyJew

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA THINK YOUR FRIEND IS REALLY CUTE

@TheTalkingPipe

My way or the highway. It takes two to tango. What I’m saying is, “welcome to idiom club”. Now, let’s cut to the chase.

@CooIStepDad

[Riot]

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

*far in the back*

PIZZA ROLLS

“No Jim we want freedom”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”

PIZZA ROLLS

“JIM”

But I’m hungry ūüôĀ