If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.

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Watching Star Wars and 9 asked in all innocence why they don’t have ejector seats on the X-wings and TIE fighters.

Ejector seats. Ejector seats in space.

I think it’s safe to start drinking that college fund now.


If you have to sneeze in a crowded grocery store, you might as well go full somnambulant and pretend like you’re turning into a zombie.


DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys


The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs


Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.


“LSD Makes Users Lose Weight”
That makes sense. It’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when
there’s a dragon guarding it.


Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?


my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.