Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.
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Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?
Me: Can they both be dead?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
ME: Ha, like the movie.
CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.
ME: Ha, like the comedian.
ME: Ha, like a mime…
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.