@HatfieldAnne

If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.

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@Gupton68

Watching Star Wars and 9 asked in all innocence why they don’t have ejector seats on the X-wings and TIE fighters.

Ejector seats. Ejector seats in space.

I think it’s safe to start drinking that college fund now.

@broken_rhi

If you have to sneeze in a crowded grocery store, you might as well go full somnambulant and pretend like you’re turning into a zombie.

@Brampersandon_

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

@daemonic3

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

@impJOKER

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

@rage_chaos

“LSD Makes Users Lose Weight”
That makes sense. It’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when
there’s a dragon guarding it.

@Snarfernini

Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?

@notmythirdrodeo

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.