If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.

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Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month


I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.


asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat


– Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning.
– When we first met?
– No, before that.


After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”

Now what do I do?


why does everyone keep saying “i feel sorry for your wife” to me? WHY!?!?!


*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.


*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow


There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.