@HatfieldAnne

If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.

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@WilliamAder

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

@bourgeoisalien

Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?

Me: Can they both be dead?

@faizziy

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

@TheTobbie

CASHIER: 300.

ME: Ha, like the movie.

CASHIER: Nice one, Seinfeld.

ME: Ha, like the comedian.

CASHIER: …

ME: Ha, like a mime…

@FredTaming

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

@pilau

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

@UncleDuke1969

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

@gvicks

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

@Bmittone

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.