[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
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In college I tried to stalk my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend on Facebook but accidentally made her name my status instead so don’t tell me I’ve never been through anything
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
lego batman: i hate the rain
lego batman: the puddles
me: what’s wrong with puddles
lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”