If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
✌️
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?