If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
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Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I already tried new things thanks.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I saw nothing
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person