If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
That’s amazing.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not