Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
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Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
finally found a reasonable question
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
an airline just for babies.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars