@Shot_Of_Cabo

If you guys don’t hear from your sexy lady friend TC today it’s because he’s spending Father’s Day with his family.

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@crunchenhancer

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

@Fred_Delicious

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

@PoorEvelyn

Well, if it doesn’t include antidepressants, they shouldn’t call it a Happy Meal.

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

@MrAdamBez

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.

She calls me her sixty second lover.

… Wait.

@blade_funner

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

@urmumsausername

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

@Brampersandon_

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

@OhhBradd

How many pushups can Ryan Gosling do?

All of them.

@primawesome

Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.