If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
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Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though