If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
You Might Also Like
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x