If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
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[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Mhm.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?