If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
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If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.