If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Damn he played himself
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.