If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
You Might Also Like
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
no regrets
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?