If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama