If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Mood.. 😂
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]