@OutOfLeftField_

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

@wingzfly

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

@seancehat

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

@seamusmckracken

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

@RodLacroix

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

@Greg_1_Leg

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

@notfaizzy

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

@ryanqnorth

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE