If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

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HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys


Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.


[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying


Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.


Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.


Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!


If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.


Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE