If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.