9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
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Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
By age 35 you should be at least 35 years old
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly
I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.
The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly