If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
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i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Breaking news:
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.