If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

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9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.


Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.


*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.


I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly


I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.


The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.


#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women


A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.


BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly