If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
sry
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.