If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
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I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
A Short Story.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016