You going to eat those sausages?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there’s no need to vote for Trump.
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Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.