Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Love thy neighbor’s dog
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles