If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there’s no need to vote for Trump.

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You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.


Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me


ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?


*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”


So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?


Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.


I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”


[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up


The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.


[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.