if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

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When my gang enters a brawl, we take small steps forward while snapping in unison. Jeff does a flip off a wall too. Its pretty intimidating.


Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.


Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.


[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
[Player flips table]


[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?


Son:Dad, what is ‘creeping inflation’?

Father:It’s when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.


When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home


The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.