I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you.
Do you have any cookies?
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“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You must be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad
why did marilyn monroe sing happy birthday like that. she should have sang it normal
My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray