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@shkeeber

I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you.

Do you have any cookies?

@mollzbenn

“Follow your dreams!” say the people who won’t pay my rent.

@realHamOnWry

You must be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.

#MyBestInsult

@pharmasean

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

@abbycohenwl

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

@KokonutRum

sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad

@sweatyhairy

why did marilyn monroe sing happy birthday like that. she should have sang it normal

@weinerdog4life

My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.

@kibblesmith

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray