Before crowbars crows drank alone
You Might Also Like
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out