If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
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I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.