If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

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“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable

movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours

cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years


Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy


Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.


Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.


Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.


TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better


I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.


Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up