If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Awesome parenting 😂
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]