@heckyessica: If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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@JustDontBugMe: [God creating Raccoons] GOD: Make a giant squirrel that's dressed like a burglar and greedy af. ANGEL: UMMM... GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos. ANGEL: SIGH.
@sidleykate: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
@BlindChow: Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Well– Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*