@heckyessica

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

You Might Also Like

@dshack8

First Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.

@AnniemuMary

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

@seamussaid

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

@MisterBombay

Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people

@Roxtalled

Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.

@TheHyyyype

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

@crocodilethumbs

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

@marknorm

When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.