First Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
You Might Also Like
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people
Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?
Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.
Never underestimate the value of a good editor…
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.