@heckyessica: If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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@AbbieEvansXO: Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you're an evil genocidal maniac Darth Vader: is it because I'm a single dad
@Smooheed: *walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help* "Hold it right there baby, Mommy's just taking a quick picture"
@IamEveryDayPpl: I didn't mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today... I just wanted to be first on Santa's lap before he got peed on.