If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.