The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
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the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Candles never taste the way they smell
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.