“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
8: I’m worried dolphins will be become endangered.
Me: Every time you don’t clean your room a dolphin dies.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Retailer #1: Hey we just got a bunch of great books in! People are going to love them!
Retailer #2: Great! Let’s put price stickers on them.
#1: The kind that come off easily and cleanly, right?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.