If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping


[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks


Parenting 101

8: I’m worried dolphins will be become endangered.

Me: Every time you don’t clean your room a dolphin dies.


“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions


Retailer #1: Hey we just got a bunch of great books in! People are going to love them!

Retailer #2: Great! Let’s put price stickers on them.

#1: The kind that come off easily and cleanly, right?

#2: NOPE!


FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN


Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good


Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?


*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it


Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.