If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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i baked you a cake
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.