There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
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BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
LOL!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
For the ones in the back.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
No. He’s not coming out to play
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.