My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.