No thanks, toilets that flush.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*
Me: SHUT UP
*dog barks at burglar, one time*
Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger
WD-40 is an essential oil.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
Just take a day off