@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

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@jonnysun

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

@TheTweetOfGod

When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you’ve been using Apple Maps.

@UnFitz

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

@momjeansplease

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

@ClearlyUnwell

I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.

@tastefactory

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

@mom_tho

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

@mrjohndarby

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*