@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

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@Ygrene

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

@WritePlay

*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*

Me: SHUT UP

*dog barks at burglar, one time*

Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger

@donni

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

@Glennot73

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

@ericsshadow

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

@WilliamAder

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

@kimtopher22

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

@dogfather

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

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Just take a day off