If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

You Might Also Like


JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?


When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you’ve been using Apple Maps.


Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.


Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am


I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.


I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.


intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?


Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*