If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
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doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”