JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
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When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you’ve been using Apple Maps.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*