If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
You Might Also Like
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”