@sickipediabot

“If you have any questions, just ask. My door is always open.” said the boss at my new job.

“Why do you need a door then?” I asked him.

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@stewnami

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

@biorhythmist

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

@NaughtyZippo

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

@thecrabbyhook

You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.

@weinerdog4life

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

@Kyle_Lippert

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

@TheMichaelRock

Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you’re an idiot?

@thesulk

Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

@LizHackett

A child in the coffee shop cried and cried until she was given a cake pop, and as I walked past, I whispered, “Your technique is flawless.”

@Lerky

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”