I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
“If you have any questions, just ask. My door is always open.” said the boss at my new job.
“Why do you need a door then?” I asked him.
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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you’re an idiot?
Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
A child in the coffee shop cried and cried until she was given a cake pop, and as I walked past, I whispered, “Your technique is flawless.”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”