ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
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[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.