If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.