[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
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y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
thanks auntie mary
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?