@numbertze

If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

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@foodfacenow

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

@squirrel74wkgn

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

@kadyngriffiths

Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.

Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.

@1Tortured_soul

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

@david8hughes

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

@kimtopher22

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

@jabbins

Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man

@smerobin

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

@asimplesean

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter