If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
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Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.