I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.