@GloriaFallon123

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

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@sofarrsogud

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

@BlackCatBettie

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

@SherifLSharkawy

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

@ben_rosen

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

@SortaBad

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

@simoncholland

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

@UncleDuke1969

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.