Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
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My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order