If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
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[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh