If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
You Might Also Like
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra