I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
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You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.