If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
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My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
the best thing i’ve ever made
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Meow
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
58.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day