If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

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I slept through my girlfriend’s alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.


I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.


ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.


CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you


the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine


Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.


I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.


If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.



date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good


Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.