@LuvPug

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

@KentWGraham

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

@DJTannerComedy

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

@AndrewChamings

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

@usermcuserface

I don’t think I’d be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.

@ReticentTurnip

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

@patnspankme

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

@bigmacher

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

@SeanBlazed

The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.

@Audenary

GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends!

ANTS: Hooray!

ANGEL: Ok next creation … The anteater.

ANTS: The what now?