@LuvPug

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

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@realHamOnWry

I slept through my girlfriend’s alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.

@LauraBenanti

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

@sofarrsogud

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

@ArfMeasures

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

@kenzianidiot

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

@Darchstar078

Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.

@scorpicpanda

I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.

@LoveNLunchmeat

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

@_elvishpresley_

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

@Jamberee13

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.