SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
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Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I don’t think I’d be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.
GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends!
ANGEL: Ok next creation … The anteater.
ANTS: The what now?