I slept through my girlfriend’s alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
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I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.
I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.