If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
You Might Also Like
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*