@robfee

If you have twins name them Adam & Steve so when someone says “Uh, it’s Adam & Eve” you can be like “OH REALLY?” and have the boys attack!!

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@maughammom

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

@iQuoteComedy

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.

@AdamBroud

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

@EJGomez

son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today?
*puts hand on sons shoulder*
if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u

@bingowings14

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

@donjuantip

ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, “So, I was sitting there eating this salad…”

@RandomManik

GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.

I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.

@SaltyCorpse

My neighbor from New England was complaining about the way people talk here.

At least that’s what I think he said. I didn’t have a translator.