If you have twins name them Adam & Steve so when someone says “Uh, it’s Adam & Eve” you can be like “OH REALLY?” and have the boys attack!!

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The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.


What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.


Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel


Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know


son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today?
*puts hand on sons shoulder*
if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u


The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.


ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, “So, I was sitting there eating this salad…”


GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.

I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.


My neighbor from New England was complaining about the way people talk here.

At least that’s what I think he said. I didn’t have a translator.