(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
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Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
adam and eve had first world problems
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.