I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
The Wolf of Wall Street.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”