God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don’t think you understand what it is we do here.
You Might Also Like
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.
My wife still came home.
Superstitions are stupid.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Anytime a frozen meal tells me to “cut holes in film to vent” I pretend like I’m Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over