If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don’t think you understand what it is we do here.

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God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?


[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.


If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.


I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.

My wife still came home.

Superstitions are stupid.


Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats


Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’


Anytime a frozen meal tells me to “cut holes in film to vent” I pretend like I’m Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects


Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over