Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
*wife puts down dinner plate*
*single pea rolls off plate*
Me: oh no we have an esca-pea
Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny
Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore
“Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!”
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Man sees the first Cat
Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me