If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

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*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*


When I die donate my body to science

Science: No thanks we’re good


*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*


I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.


Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?


I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.


*snail Olympics*
How does it feel?
“Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon”
And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow?


Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.


Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.