If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.


You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…


I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.


*wife puts down dinner plate*

*single pea rolls off plate*

Me: oh no we have an esca-pea


Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny


Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore


“Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!”

-me, parenting


her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it


If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail


Man sees the first Cat

Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me