@Circuitouslife

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

@amazymay72x

You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…

@DianeP89

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

@Introvert_Dad

*wife puts down dinner plate*

*single pea rolls off plate*

Me: oh no we have an esca-pea

Wife:

Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny

@Sean_Burgundy_

Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore

@amydillon

“Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!”

-me, parenting

@GrantTanaka

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

@SarcasmMother

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

@NewDadNotes

Man sees the first Cat

Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me