If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s