If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
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airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Clients after you give them your rates
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Me irl
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude